The Truth™ About Indoor Plumbing and Its Pagan History

Ancient Roman lead pipes
Photo by Ad Meskens

There are so many things we do today that have roots in abject paganism.  We need to strip away the “Christianized” veneer of these practices and get back to a pure religion!  People drive “Saturns”, use thermometers with “mercury”, tell time using Romanized twelve-hour clocks or “cron”-ometers, deal with “chaos” in the world, wear our Nikes, resign ourselves to fate, deal with changing “horme”-mones as we age, proclaim our rights because of our Libertas, and if we have time engage in Trivia.

Sometimes, these pagan ideas creep into worship.  For example, take “the podium”, where preachers stand up on a platform, ostensibly so everyone can see them.  According to one source, the pagan temple of Dionysus has ruins you can see today with it’s podium!  Originally pagan temples, they were transformed into “Christian” temples almost overnight thanks to Constantine.  We should rip all of these structures out of buildings and burn them into ashes!

However, that would be easy compared to a very real evil: Indoor plumbing!  Now, that would be difficult to extract from one’s life, but no one ever said it would be easy!  It is a real test!  Only those who wholeheartedly do their business the biblical way will make it!

According to Wikipedia:

Plumbing originated during ancient civilizations such as the Greek, Roman, Persian, Indian, and Chinese cities as they developed public baths and needed to provide potable water and drainage of wastes, for larger numbers of people. Standardized earthen plumbing pipes with broad flanges making use of asphalt for preventing leakages appeared in the urban settlements of the Indus Valley Civilization by 2700 B.C. The Romans used lead pipe inscriptions to prevent water theft.

Here we see how destructive it is to go against the Bible’s health laws.  If pagan societies were not striving for doing indoors what was not meant to be, then they would not be exposing themselves to lead poisoning!  Why, this is almost as bad as makeup, in which the struggle for external beauty was so great that people died from paint containing lead and arsenic!

The Bible records that pagan kings sat indoors to “cover their feet” – a euphemism for defecation!

24 When he was gone out, his servants came; and when they saw that, behold, the doors of the parlour were locked, they said, Surely he covereth his feet in his summer chamber.

~ Jdg 3:24

Do not do as the pagans do do!

What does the Bible say?

12 You must have a place outside the camp and go there to relieve yourself.

~ Dt 23:12 (HCSB)

There you have it!  You must go outside of the camp, not indoors!  To do otherwise is to disobey!

13 You must have a digging tool in your equipment; when you relieve yourself, dig a hole with it and cover up your excrement.

~ v 13

No running water for the true believer!  Otherwise, you are following the pagans!

Oh, and while you’re out in the woods with your shovel, turn over some rocks just in case there are some pagans hiding under them!  You never know when that sneaky paganism will creep up from behind and nab you!

OK, </sarcasm>.  That’s not the way to interpret the Bible, is it?

In an ideal world, we would not have days of the week, cars or other words with names of pagan gods in them in our day to day language.  However, this is not an ideal world.  One day, it will be.

9 For I will then restore
pure speech to the peoples
so that all of them may call
on the name of Yahweh
and serve Him with a single purpose.

~ Zep 3:9 (HCSB)

Until that day, however, just because someone who is not a “True Christian” says something does not mean it is not true.  Just because pagans invented something does not mean it does not work right, is evil or is nefarious, or that it is wrong to use it.

I used to get the Journal News of the Churches of God.  Every issue, or so it seemed, had at least one person with a one, two or even larger spread of “advertising” claiming that podiums were pagan, fireworks were pagan as well as summer festivals (thus, Independence Day was pagan and wrong to celebrate), cosmetics were pagan, Thanksgiving was pagan, and so on, and so on, and so on, until you realized that the individual probably never did anything but look under every rock and in every crevice for pagans.

Q: Is that what God truly wants us spending the majority of our time doing?

BTW, it is questionable whether or not pagans invented the podium.  At very least, one of the most zealous men in the Bible used one.

8 1 all the people gathered together at the square in front of the Water Gate. They asked Ezra the scribe to bring the book of the law of Moses that the Lord had given Israel. 2 On the first day of the seventh month, Ezra the priest brought the law before the assembly of men, women, and all who could listen with understanding. 3 While he was facing the square in front of the Water Gate, he read out of it from daybreak until noon before the men, the women, and those who could understand. All the people listened attentively[a] to the book of the law. 4 Ezra the scribe stood on a high wooden platform made for this purpose….5 Ezra opened the book in full view of all the people, since he was elevated above everyone. As he opened it, all the people stood up.

~ Neh 8:1-4a, 5 (HCSB)

A lot of things are obfuscated simply due to the fact that for everything God stipulates, Satan has managed to provide at least one counterfeit.  Take the Feast of Tabernacles, for example.  Most cultures have a notion of some type of harvest festival (Israel was unique because it had two).  Where did they get that idea?  Most cultures also have marriages, BTW.  Most cultures have a prohibition against murder and incest.  Most ancient cultures believed in a worldwide flood.  Where did these ideas come from?

When you go see a doctor, are you concerned with whether or not the doctor is a believer?  Or, are you more concerned about whether or not he or she is a competent doctor?  When you see a lawyer, are you concerned that the lawyer is pagan or that the lawyer is a competent lawyer?

So, where is the dividing line?

29 “When the LORD your God annihilates the nations before you, which you are entering to take possession of, and you drive them out and live in their land, 30 be careful not to be ensnared by their ways after they have been destroyed before you. Do not inquire about their gods, asking, ‘How did these nations worship their gods? I’ll also do the same.’ 31 You must not do the same to the LORD your God, because they practice every detestable thing, which the LORD hates, for their gods. They even burn their sons and daughters in the fire to their gods.

~ Dt 12:29-31 (HCSB)

God told Israel He did not want to be worshipped in the same manner as the pagans worshipped their Gods!

Q: Does that mean:

  • They were not to pray to God?
  • They were not to sacrifice to God?
  • They were not to ask for a good harvest?
  • They were not to give thanks for a good harvest?
  • They were not to ask for victory in war?
  • They were not to assemble in worship?

You see, you can get carried away, can’t you?  If Israel, who did not have the Holy Spirit, understood these things then, then why is it that some cannot figure this out today?

Nineveh was a pagan culture.  What did they do?

4 Jonah set out on the first day of his walk in the city and proclaimed, “In 40 days Nineveh will be demolished!” 5 The men of Nineveh believed in God. They proclaimed a fast and dressed in sackcloth—from the greatest of them to the least.

~ Jon 3:4-5 (HCSB)


  • Did Nineveh declare it a holy day?
  • Were they keeping one of God’s holy days?
  • Did they add to or take away from whatever commandments they may have known about?
  • Did God honor their actions?

10 Then God saw their actions—that they had turned from their evil ways—so God relented from the disaster He had threatened to do to them. And He did not do it.

~ v 10

When we handle the word of God carelessly, we can come to the wrong conclusions, can’t we?

15 Do all you can to present yourself to God as someone worthy of his approval, as a worker with no need to be ashamed, because he deals straightforwardly with the Word of the Truth.

~ 2Ti 2:15 (CJB)


4 thoughts on “The Truth™ About Indoor Plumbing and Its Pagan History

  • Andrew Giddens on Facebook

    Hah. I would have simply ended it with the condemnation of indoor plumbing. Would have been amazing satire.

    Either way, I’m glad you covered this. Sadly this will not stop those who believe that such things as celebrating Thanksgiving is a blot on the church that Christ will purge with fire.

  • John D Carmack on Facebook

    I thought about ending on that point, but someone would’ve taken it seriously.

  • Richard Burkard on Facebook

    Some evangelicals prefer to see “Christian” doctors and lawyers. One COG group even went to a Christian mediation service in the last year or two, to resolve differences between top leaders. Wouldn’t many other COG’s reject that, saying they’re not “REAL Christians” so they should be avoided?

  • Steven Britt
    Steven Britt

    If you had misused several, commas, semicolons, and colons; in the first section, it could have EASILY passed for: the ramblings of you-know-who.

    That was hilarious! Also, in all the times that I’ve read through the Torah, I somehow didn’t make any mental notes about God’s bathroom instructions, so I appreciated the novelty of that as well :)

    I’ve actually been thinking about Thanksgiving for the last couple of years. I still don’t have a satisfactory answer, and I think that the historical record is just splotchy enough for people to put it into whatever convenient frame they want to suit their conclusions. It never occurred to me until I noticed that there has been an effort by some to paint it as being loosely, but consciously, based on the Feast of Tabernacles (a thought which immediately made me uncomfortable), but after examining it I don’t think there is any evidence to support that other than the obvious connection that it is focused on the harvest.

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